#8 Berating non-Chinese for eating at inauthentic Chinese food establishments

It is no great secret that Chinese people love food. From insects to large water-dwelling mammals, Chinese people will eat anything and everything (to be discussed in a later post). It is this insatiable appetite for good food that drives Chinese people to constantly search for new and delicious places in which to dine.

In their lifelong search, they will come across numerous dining establishments that they will deem to be of high or acceptable quality. Similar to non-Chinese people, Chinese people will often become thrilled at the idea of recommending or sharing a restaurant find with their friends. The difference in this situation, is that due to a Chinese person's (usually) inherent modesty, they will rarely volunteer this choice information. Fortunately, deep interrogation is not required and a simple, "Hey, do you know a good Chinese restaurant?" will suffice.

After a non-Chinese person has been taken to an authentic Chinese restaurant by their Chinese friend, it is expected from that point on (because they "know better") that they will never eat at an inauthentic establishment ever again. This may seem like an unreasonable expectation to most, but the non-Chinese person should try to understand that it's only because their friend means well. Chinese friends (typically) don't let friends eat terrible Chinese food.

In the event that you are with a Chinese friend and you are passing by a mall food court or any place with a visible Chinese take-out establishment, be prepared to hear phrases such as "Ugh, I can't believe people eat at that place" and "It's not even REAL Chinese food!". Under NO circumstance should a non-Chinese person try to defend these establishments or even remotely suggest that chicken balls and egg rolls are authentic Chinese fare. One should only do this at their own peril, unless they wish to hear a long-winded speech about how, "my ancestors never ate chicken balls!"

However, should you ever catch your Chinese friend enjoying "fake" take-out Chinese food, do not hesitate to call them a hypocrite. It doesn't matter how much they've been drinking. They will thank you in the long run.

#7 Mahjong

While Chinese people are known to be an industrious and hard-working people, they also enjoy taking breaks from their busy professions and nagging their children. Common leisure activities include eating, shopping, karaoke, and shopping. Despite the pedestrian nature of these activities, there is one that stands above the rest. The sound of clacking tiles is instantly recognizable. The name of the game is mahjong.

Majhong is a game of skill and cunning as much as it is luck. An apt comparison for non-Chinese people would be poker. Four players, a set of cards (tiles in this case) and a burning desire to get the best hand (set). Much like poker, there is a casual and hardcore element.

Casual

Much like "guy's poker night", this is a chance for players to catch up and socialize. While men are known to partake occasionally on a social basis, research shows that this is predominantly an older female activity. Common topics of conversation include health ailments and advice, places to find good deals (or current sales), and reasons why their children are disappointing them. For men, common topics include investments (and subsequent money lost), cars and potential travel destinations.

Hardcore

Unbeknownst to most non-Chinese people, mahjong is a great way to win or lose money. Should a player find three willing gambling partners, a marathon mahjong session could very well last an entire day (e.g. mid afternoon until 2am). Armed with this knowledge, restauranteurs have capitalized by designing "mahjong meals" to effectively feed four players. This minimizes eating time and maximizes playing time.

For non-Chinese people, learning this game can be very daunting. However, there are easy ways to impress Chinese people with your mahjong knowledge despite having never touched a tile. For example, an acceptable phrase would be, "I love yelling PONG!" (when a player matches 3 tiles). Also acceptable is, "Don't you just hate it when the Jong (similar to the banker in Monopoly) can't count?" Under no circumstance should the phrase, "gee, that's a pretty bird" (referring to the tile) ever be uttered. This is an appalling faux-pas and you will be ousted immediately.


Researcher's note: Special thanks to Shorty for her additional research notes.

#6 Hoarding

Stemming from their long-standing love of saving money, Chinese people will often descend upon a sale like vultures to a carcass.

While non-Chinese also enjoy sales and saving money, Chinese people have learned (sometimes it's instinctual) to exploit and benefit from sales more than their non-Chinese counterparts. This is primarily accomplished through hoarding.

While hoarding was more widespread amongst the general populace leading up to Y2K, research shows that Chinese people had already been doing this for years. For example, if toilet paper was discounted by $2.00, it is safe to assume that a Chinese person will buy at least more than two packages. It is also safe to assume that the shopping cart will be full and multiple trips will be made (to circumvent the purchase limits imposed by the retailer). The guiding philosophy behind this behaviour is that non-perishable items or items with a long shelf-life are optimal for bulk purchase. A similar effect could be achieved at Costco, but this would require spending money (on a membership) unnecessarily.

While this approach has produced great savings amongst the Chinese community at large, sadly, many Chinese children have been adversely affected as a result. In an effort to please their offspring, Chinese parents will often buy bulk portions of a food that their children have expressed an affinity for. In the short-term all parties benefit, but in the long-run, children are forced to finish every last food item until the bitter end (despite their ever-changing palettes). This is accomplished through incessant nagging and guilt trips (to be discussed in a later post).
Popular choices for bulk purchase include toilet paper, facial tissue, pop, soup, rice and oil. While each Chinese family may have different criteria for hoard-worthy items, the overall purchase strategies are the same.

It should be noted that saving money is not limited to domestic purchases. The same theory also applies when Chinese People are visiting friends and/or family abroad. This behaviour can be baffling to Chinese children as the items packed into suitcases are often pedestrian and the gain in savings is marginal.

For non-Chinese looking to take advantage of "best price" situations, the best strategy is to befriend as many sale-savvy Chinese people as possible. This stratagem is the most effective, as sale information is known to disseminate among Chinese people at an exponential rate. With a vast network of bargain hunters on alert at all times, you'll never overpay for toilet paper again.