#5 Fighting for the restaurant bill

While Chinese people proudly wear the badge of cheapness, they also take great pride in being recognized as a generous individual. This is just one of many ways to bring honour to themselves and their family.

Generosity from Chinese people can come in many forms. This ranges from gifts to friends and family, letting their friends win at Mahjong, or frantically calling friends about a great deal on fresh meats or produce. However, the most vocal and effective form is fighting for the restaurant bill.

This form of generosity is effective not only because it turns heads at the restaurant, but also because the 'losers' in the struggle must commend the 'winner' on his and/or her wiles and generosity. Given the hypothetical situation of a friend group consisting of three couples, if one couple pays once, there is increased pressure at the next meal for the two non-paying couples to pay for the bill first. It should be noted that one couple paying more than twice in a row is often viewed as disrespectful or what non-Chinese would call "a dick move". Should this over-genorsity continue, future requests for dinner meet-ups with the two other couples will be met with reluctance and disdain.

While many non-Chinese view paying the restaurant bill as something that is easy and straightforward, it is of great importance to Chinese people. Not only is it an exquisite art, but it is also a game requiring sharp wit, cunning and lighting reflexes. Were Sun Tzu still alive today, he would no doubt be very pleased to learn that his descendants have effectively applied his battlefield strategems to restaurant bill conflicts. While there are numerous strategies available to couples or individual payers, there are two that are tried, true and stand above the rest. They are the 'pretending to go to the bathroom' and classic 'box out' maneuver.

1. Pretending to go to the bathroom

This maneuver is exactly as it sounds. The payer will excuse themselves from the table, citing their need to use the facilities and will meet no resistance as typically, no one suspects a plan is afoot. If the maneuver is pulled off successfully, discovery of payment will only occur when someone other than the payer asks for the bill. However, if the restaurant staff are slow to process the transaction, people at the table will wonder aloud why the payer has been gone to the bathroom for an inordinate amount of time. This will raise alarms among the other diners at the table and will often lead to a string of questioning and a smug confession. If a couple is pulling this maneuver, the payer's accomplice can cite stomach pains or any other number of physical ailments to deflect suspicion. As it is often the male of the couple that is tasked with paying, one should also keep a watchful eye on the female as she is fully capable of paying as well.

2. Box out

Like their basketball idol Yao Ming, many Chinese people are familiar with the box out maneuver. In the case of a single payer, he/she is at a disadvantage because they only have one arm free (other arm is clutching bill) to fend off rivals. As a second step to this strategy, if the single payer meets excessive resistance, they will retreat to the safety of the front cash to pay. In a couple situation, the most common play is to have the female box out rivals on one side while the male deflects with one arm and uses the other arm to bury the bill deep in his lap where no one can reach it. Only after their rivals have taken their seats will the bill once again emerge. The only caveat to this strategy is the requirement of lighting fast reflexes. This can involve snatching the bill directly from the waiter's hand or right before it hits the table.

It is important to note that in these situations, parents may sometimes try to involve their children in these tactics, but the reliability rate is typically low. Fighting for the restaurant bill will typically be met with responses from the children such as "They do this every time!" or "I don't even know why they do this" and the ever-popular re-enactment of a restaurant bill fight.

For non-Chinese people, this knowledge is invaluable and can be used to receive numerous free meals. The key is providing a convincing performance that you really wanted to pay. For added effect, subtly mention after the fact-while pouting-that you really wanted to pay. Bonus points for staring wistfully at your wallet. Not only will you easily gain free meals from here on out, but you will have also boosted the Chinese person's self esteem. This is because they have now shown how generous they are and firmly believe that they have soundly outwitted their opponent. You win every time.

#4 Chinese New Year

Also known as "Spring Festival", Chinese New Year (CNY) is the one time in the year where Chinese people give out money, eat special food, and adorn their houses with red and gold decorations.

For non-Chinese observers, this celebration can be compared to Christmas in many ways. Like Christmas, there is gift giving, copious amounts of food and family visits.

While there isn't a gift exchange involving boxes of material items, there is an exchange of something of far greater importance to Chinese people...cash (to be discussed in a later post). Small red envelopes are filled with various denominations of cash, depending on how much you like/love the receiving individual, and whether they deserve it or not. Getting money from rich grandma? Lucky! Getting money from a distant relative that you only see once a year? Not so much. It should be also noted that Chinese children will routinely tally up and compare their cash intake. The two most popular categories are 'highest total gross' and 'single highest take'. This is to prepare them for their future careers in finance and/or accounting.

Like gifts, food is an integral part of the CNY celebrations. Similar in concept to a Christmas dinner, a CNY dinner consists of a myriad of foods that are eaten not for their rich flavours, but more for the supposed luck, prosperity and longevity (herein known as the CNY trifecta) they will bring. As Chinese people are highly susceptible to superstition, certain foods are eaten to increase the chances of good health and bountiful harvests of cash in the new year. Some items include steamed fish, cakes made of taro and turnip, dumplings and noodles. Whether consumption of these foods truly brings the desired or purported effects remains to be seen. Research thus far has been unable to provide a clear correlation.

Family visits, no matter the ethnicity can always be a risky affair. However, Chinese family visits during New Years are typically a good time and grievances will rarely be aired, unlike non-Chinese Thanksgiving. This can be attributed to a strict adherence to the philosophies of non-confrontation and passive-agressiveness (to be discussed in a later post). During these visits, traditional four word expressions relating to the CNY trifecta are said in order to wish others a happy new year. For Chinese children, these expressions are memorized well in advance and are repeated ad nauseam during the festival's length. Success in this task will help them survive the gauntlet of relatives and allow them to claim their cash prizes.

For many non-Chinese, CNY is a non-event as the occasion often comes and goes without much fanfare. For non-Chinese looking to participate, there are two ways to participate.

1. Go to the local Chinese buffet/restaurant to check out the "special" CNY dishes

2. Find a Chinese person/friend and tell them "Gung Hei Fat Choy!" (traditional New Year wish for success and prosperity)

Option 2 is typically the preferred option as it requires no cost and the least amount of effort. Should you attempt this, It is highly recommended that the expression is spoken with the most horrendous mispronunciation possible. This provides an excellent opportunity for the Chinese person to correct your pronunciation and feel better about their own mastery of the Chinese language. If anything, they'll just be happy you tried.

#3 Keeping the house below 20°C

For Chinese people with access to centrally heated homes, the thermostat is guaranteed to never rise above 20°C. Some may attribute this to being environmentally friendly and applaud such behaviour. In reality, this activity has been ongoing for years before An Inconvenient Truth was released and brings to light a different motivation. The reason? Being cheap (to be discussed in a later post).

The pride obtained from being frugal for a Chinese person is immense. As a wise man once said, "You save 50 cents here, you save 50 cents there, you have one dollar!". It is with this mentality that the thermostat will maintain a steady 19°C or even dip to the inhumane low of 18°C. Even if the outdoor temperature heads towards negative double-digit numbers, Chinese people remain steadfast in keeping the thermostat sub 20°C

However, with any ideological struggle, there will always be critics and victims. In this case, they are one and the same. Much to the chagrin of Chinese children, there isn't much they can do to raise the temperature. There have been documented tales of extensive campaigns for temperature change or even heroic acts of changing the thermostat, but they have all ultimately failed.

In an attempt to placate their offspring, parents typically offer the following steps of ways to get/stay warm:

1. Put on a sweater
2. Put on a jacket/coat
3. Put on an extra pair of socks
4. Put on some slippers
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until the optimal body temperature is reached

It is completely possible to see a Chinese person wearing 2 sweaters and a jacket in their own home.

In addition to these steps, there is only one other option: the fireplace. While this is a plausible option in non-Chinese households, it is implausible in a Chinese home. This is because the fireplace in a Chinese home is strictly for decoration. The fire logs beside the fireplace? Decorative. The tools by the logs? Decorative. This is especially surprising as Chinese people have a tendency to be very traditional and like to "do it up old school" as their ancestors once did.

As a tip for non-Chinese braving the bitter cold of a Chinese home, complaining about the temperature is a great sign of disrespect and should be avoided at all costs. Instead, this should be viewed as an opportunity to gain favour with your hosts. Agreeing with the position of frugality over warmth will guarantee a future invitation back. To cement your friendship and indefinite future invitations, a request for Chinese tea is also highly recommended.

#2 Giving their children popular names from the 50's

While pertaining only to a small subset of the overall Chinese population, this phenomenon still warrants discussion. More specifically, this primarily affects Chinese adults born in Hong Kong in the 1950's who later had children in the late 70's and throughout the 1980's. This is not to be confused with the separate topics of naming your child after inanimate objects and using the phonetic pronunciation of their Chinese name as their English name (both to be discussed in later posts).

The time period in which they were born is particularly important because it sheds light on their level of exposure to western culture and the subsequent influence it had. The main sources of western entertainment often came from movies and musical acts from the 50's and 60's. As tweens and teenagers, Chinese people would come to idolize these celebrities and honour them in 25-30 years time by giving their children the same names.

By the late 70's and early 80's, children born of Chinese parents would be given names from two decades prior. For boys, cool names such as Terrence, Raymond, Lawrence, Philip, Kenneth and Patrick were all the rage. For girls, they were lucky enough to be given names such as Cynthia, Connie, Joyce, Janice, and Linda.

While Chinese parents felt good about their decisions, these Chinese children would come to wonder why they had such 'unique' names while their white counterparts would have more contemporary names like Ryan, Mike, Sarah and Jennifer.

For Chinese children in this situation, know that you are not alone and that many others share your plight. The best thing to do when you meet a fellow yellow with a name from the same decade, say, "Hey, that's a cool name!". You'll be best friends forever.

For non-Chinese, this knowledge can benefit you twofold. Firstly, you can make a new Chinese friend by appropriately shortening their name (e.g. Kenneth to Ken), as it shows you understand their pain. Secondly, should you find yourself in a social situation trying to determine a Chinese person's age (for pick-up/dating purposes or general reference), their name should be a good indicator. This is especially useful given that most (if not all) Chinese have a perpetually youthful appearance. This technique has been proven to work 8 out of 10 times (research ongoing).

Finally, there is a way for everyone to help stop this injustice for good. Know a Chinese couple that's going to have a child soon? Buy them a contemporary baby names book. If it's a mixed couple, don't worry, it's under control.

#1 Keeping on the original protective plastic wrap

While Chinese people have a long-standing reputation of being notoriously cheap (to be discussed in a later post), they often have no problem buying items of significant value such as furniture, electronics and designer handbags.

In order to understand this phenomenon more clearly, one must understand that these big ticket purchases are considered an investment and must be protected accordingly. This mentality can be used to explain why Chinese people often insist on the non-removal of the flimsy protective film affixed to their newly purchased item. In the case of small gadgets, most people would find a protective case to be adequate. However, Chinese people are quite willing to buy a case and still keep the plastic on for "extra protection". The most common examples include screens of handheld electronics (e.g. camera LCD screen, PSP screen, cell phone screen) and various furniture (e.g. table corners and edges, plastic on top of the glass part of a cabinet or table).

Unless provoked or shamed into removal, this plastic could very well remain on the item forever. Typically, there are only two situations where this plastic would be removed.

1. Natural adhesiveness wears off

In this situation, the plastic naturally will lose its adhesiveness and the Chinese person will be forced to remove it (begrudgingly).

2. Shame

The main cause of plastic removal. Only when shamed by peers (Chinese or non-Chinese) will this plastic be removed. The Chinese person in question will typically react by saying, "it's no big deal guys! Really!" and peel off the plastic. Outsiders must keep a watchful eye though, as it's possible the Chinese person will save the plastic and try to re-affix it later when they are alone.

When presented with situation #2, the best thing a non-Chinese person can do is pat the Chinese person on the back and reassure them that it was going to happen anyways and that they were being super lame.

On the bright side, at least anything you buy from a Chinese person will be in pristine condition.