#13 Beating their children

Throughout modern history, Chinese children have often been praised by non-Chinese parents as being polite, modest, good-natured and well disciplined. While many may debate the merits of nature vs. nurture, nurture indubitably plays a strong role in the shaping of a Chinese child's temperament. The nurture in question are savage beatings administered by parents.

As the reasons for beating are numerous, this method of physical discipline is integral in the parent's continued use of negative reinforcement, and to deter future misbehaviour. Common reasons for beatings include: poor grades (<90%), fighting with siblings, talking back, not practicing piano/violin and general disobedience. It is not uncommon that beatings would be administered based on petty reasons (e.g. not going home right after school) in order to maintain the fear instilled in the hearts of the children.

Non-Chinese parents that discipline their children will usually use a belt and/or hand. However, Chinese parents, in this regard are much more creative/resourceful. Common beating tools include coat hangers (plastic and metal), spatulas (plastic, metal and wood), rulers, paint stirrers, and the most infamous of all, the feather duster. The implement of choice will often depend on the administrator of the beatings. Being the most commonly used beating tool, Chinese children have developed a Pavlovian response to this unassuming household cleaning tool and will typically cringe or scurry away out of habit. The traditional form of this torture device is a long bamboo handle on one end, with feathers on the other. The contemporary model consists of a handle that is made of an intertwined steel rod covered in a hard plastic. Research has shown that both these models will consistently cause great pain to the palm, thigh, and buttock areas.

Should you be Chinese and also experienced savage and undeserved beatings in your youth, this is a great way to bond with your fellow Chinese. Talking about this once dreaded topic will often turn into reminiscing, which in turn is known to bring out one's competitive side. It is entirely possible to overhear a heated discussion between two Chinese people attempting to one-up each other with stories of, "my most savage beating". As a tip for non-Chinese people, highlighting the fact that, "I've never been beat" will only serve to alienate yourself from your Chinese friends, instead of impressing them.

#12 Negative reinforcement

It is undeniable that having a Chinese upbringing more often than not has produced many upstanding members of society. Delinquent drivers aside, the steady production of legal, financial and health care professionals ensures the continued betterment of society (and the survival of Starbucks)

While child-rearing varies greatly from culture to culture, the difference in style between Western and Chinese culture when it comes to encouragement is similar to the difference between night and day. The method used by Chinese parents to encourage their children is known as 'negative reinforcement' which is defined as, "a behavior strengthened because a negative condition is stopped or avoided as a consequence of the behavior."

This phenomenon can most commonly be observed when tests are returned to a Chinese student. With a score of 90% or greater, a non-Chinese parent would be ecstatic, with the test being worthy of center-fridge placement. In a Chinese household, it is almost guaranteed that the phrase, "Where did the other 10% go?" is uttered, most assuredly causing irreparable damage to the child's self-confidence. This barrage of negative reinforcement only ceases when marks are brought up to an acceptable level, such as 98%. This phenomenon can be extended into career situations where the phrase will change to "Why aren't you a doctor/lawyer/engineer yet?".

For non-Chinese looking to give their Chinese friends a hard time or display their knowledge of negative reinforcement, the phrase "Where's the other x%" is appropriate as a start. For situations where the test score is in the range of 80-90%, the one-two combo of , "So, that's like...Asian fail, right?" followed with, "Man, you're parents are gonna be PISSED" is suitable. This will either destroy their confidence forever or make you two BFF.

#11 Calling all adult men and women 'Auntie' and 'Uncle'

Ingrained into their minds at a very young age, Chinese children are programmed to respect their elders. They are constantly reminded of this in their academic and career-related endeavours. Lines such as "I hope you get a good job so you can support me when I'm old. It will be your turn then!" (and variations of) are commonplace in Chinese households. It should be noted that in an elder Chinese person's eyes, putting one's parents in a nursing home does not qualify as "supporting me when I'm old".

Born from this respect for their elders, Chinese children have always been taught to
refer to adults aged 30-65 as 'auntie' and 'uncle' even if there is no blood relation. As an example, for a man named Tony, he would be called 'uncle Tony' by his friend's children.

While this this is baffling to most Chinese children at first, they realize later in life that this naming convention can come in handy when:

-> the adult has no English name (i.e. Chinese name is difficult and/or weird)
-> they can't remember the adult's name

As many young Chinese people will tell you, greeting a Chinese adult for the first time or after a long hiatus with a simple, "Hi Uncle" or "Hi Auntie" will net huge brownie points.

For non-Chinese people meeting their friend's parents or boyfriend's/girlfriend's parents for the first time, it would be wise to avoid the Mr./Mrs. greeting and go straight for the Auntie/Uncle route. This demonstrates that you have a basic understanding of Chinese culture and that you just might be good enough to date their child. Maybe.

#10 Racquet sports

It is no great secret that Chinese people traditionally have not been known for their physical and athletic prowress. Compared to their non-Chinese counterparts, a Chinese person's lithe frame is not as suitable for playing more physical sports such as football and hockey. While it is not an impossible feat, a Chinese person can dedicate much time and effort to 'bulk up' in order to play these sports. It should be noted that this is usually much to the dismay of their parents as they usually feel this time could be better spent on academic pursuits.

What Chinese people lack in sheer size and muscle weight, they more than make up for it in finesse, grace and speed, much to the chagrin of the world's competing gymnastic teams. In addition, Chinese people are a highly adaptable group, which is helpful in explaining why, for generations they have gravitated towards sports that complement these qualities. These sports include ping-pong, badminton and tennis - the trifecta of racquet sports.

One could argue that these sports are ostensibly pick up and play and easy to learn, they take a lifetime to master. While the aforementioned qualities are a perfect fit for the trifecta, the other reason these sports are so popular with Chinese people is because of parents. Given the overprotective nature of Chinese parents, they will typically forbid their children from playing any highly physical or contact sports. Should a child suggest that they would like to participate, there is always a myriad of reasons from parents as to why that is a bad idea. Luckily, racquet sports have been deemed to be safe and acceptable. Should a Chinese child be injured playing one of these sports, there will be much hesitation on the part of the parent to allow their child to continue. It is not uncommon for words such as "I knew it was a bad idea letting you play sports!" or "See, you wouldn't have been hurt if you were doing Kumon instead." to be uttered.

Should a non-Chinese person ever want to play against a Chinese person in one of the trifecta sports, they should be prepared to lose. While this is not a guarantee, statistics have shown this to be true almost all of the time. Thankfully, due to their inborn politeness, trash talking will be kept at a minimum.

#9 Chinese school

In an effort to maintain their child's fragile connection to their heritage, immigrant Chinese parents will almost always send their children to Chinese school. It allows parents to feel that they've done all they can despite the fact that they could have just as easily taught their child at home. However, the irony is usually lost on them.

Usually taking place on a weekly basis on Saturday mornings, these children are taught to read, write and speak Chinese (Cantonese or Mandarin). Given their undying love of education (and authenticity), parents request, nay, demand their children write tests and quizzes. While this method works in theory, studying on a Friday night effectively dashes any hopes that Chinese child had of being considered "cool" among his/her non-Chinese peers. Party? Can't go, studying. Movies? Caged up and studying. Underage drinking? Under surveillance, can't leave. In addition, Chinese children will resent this "extra" school as it cuts into their Saturday Morning Cartoon time. Transformers will not watch itself.

While class is dismissed around noon, this by no means guarantees a child's freedom. When school is over, there are most certainly extra-curricular activities to participate in (sometimes willingly). Fun activities include badminton, art class (chinese painting/calligraphy), Chinese dance and Chinese chess, to name a few.

Should your Chinese friend ever bring up the fact that they were forced to go to Chinese school, you can provide a quantum of solace by telling them the cartoons and parties they missed weren't that good, despite the fact that this is probably a boldfaced lie.

If you were one of the 'lucky' Chinese children that was allowed to 'drop out', consider yourself lucky as your parents just as easily could have taken you to a much more hardcore school two towns over. Should you ever get made fun of by your Chinese friends for being a dropout, just remind them how awesome it was to sleep in and watch cartoons all morning in your pajamas.

#8 Berating non-Chinese for eating at inauthentic Chinese food establishments

It is no great secret that Chinese people love food. From insects to large water-dwelling mammals, Chinese people will eat anything and everything (to be discussed in a later post). It is this insatiable appetite for good food that drives Chinese people to constantly search for new and delicious places in which to dine.

In their lifelong search, they will come across numerous dining establishments that they will deem to be of high or acceptable quality. Similar to non-Chinese people, Chinese people will often become thrilled at the idea of recommending or sharing a restaurant find with their friends. The difference in this situation, is that due to a Chinese person's (usually) inherent modesty, they will rarely volunteer this choice information. Fortunately, deep interrogation is not required and a simple, "Hey, do you know a good Chinese restaurant?" will suffice.

After a non-Chinese person has been taken to an authentic Chinese restaurant by their Chinese friend, it is expected from that point on (because they "know better") that they will never eat at an inauthentic establishment ever again. This may seem like an unreasonable expectation to most, but the non-Chinese person should try to understand that it's only because their friend means well. Chinese friends (typically) don't let friends eat terrible Chinese food.

In the event that you are with a Chinese friend and you are passing by a mall food court or any place with a visible Chinese take-out establishment, be prepared to hear phrases such as "Ugh, I can't believe people eat at that place" and "It's not even REAL Chinese food!". Under NO circumstance should a non-Chinese person try to defend these establishments or even remotely suggest that chicken balls and egg rolls are authentic Chinese fare. One should only do this at their own peril, unless they wish to hear a long-winded speech about how, "my ancestors never ate chicken balls!"

However, should you ever catch your Chinese friend enjoying "fake" take-out Chinese food, do not hesitate to call them a hypocrite. It doesn't matter how much they've been drinking. They will thank you in the long run.

#7 Mahjong

While Chinese people are known to be an industrious and hard-working people, they also enjoy taking breaks from their busy professions and nagging their children. Common leisure activities include eating, shopping, karaoke, and shopping. Despite the pedestrian nature of these activities, there is one that stands above the rest. The sound of clacking tiles is instantly recognizable. The name of the game is mahjong.

Majhong is a game of skill and cunning as much as it is luck. An apt comparison for non-Chinese people would be poker. Four players, a set of cards (tiles in this case) and a burning desire to get the best hand (set). Much like poker, there is a casual and hardcore element.

Casual

Much like "guy's poker night", this is a chance for players to catch up and socialize. While men are known to partake occasionally on a social basis, research shows that this is predominantly an older female activity. Common topics of conversation include health ailments and advice, places to find good deals (or current sales), and reasons why their children are disappointing them. For men, common topics include investments (and subsequent money lost), cars and potential travel destinations.

Hardcore

Unbeknownst to most non-Chinese people, mahjong is a great way to win or lose money. Should a player find three willing gambling partners, a marathon mahjong session could very well last an entire day (e.g. mid afternoon until 2am). Armed with this knowledge, restauranteurs have capitalized by designing "mahjong meals" to effectively feed four players. This minimizes eating time and maximizes playing time.

For non-Chinese people, learning this game can be very daunting. However, there are easy ways to impress Chinese people with your mahjong knowledge despite having never touched a tile. For example, an acceptable phrase would be, "I love yelling PONG!" (when a player matches 3 tiles). Also acceptable is, "Don't you just hate it when the Jong (similar to the banker in Monopoly) can't count?" Under no circumstance should the phrase, "gee, that's a pretty bird" (referring to the tile) ever be uttered. This is an appalling faux-pas and you will be ousted immediately.


Researcher's note: Special thanks to Shorty for her additional research notes.

#6 Hoarding

Stemming from their long-standing love of saving money, Chinese people will often descend upon a sale like vultures to a carcass.

While non-Chinese also enjoy sales and saving money, Chinese people have learned (sometimes it's instinctual) to exploit and benefit from sales more than their non-Chinese counterparts. This is primarily accomplished through hoarding.

While hoarding was more widespread amongst the general populace leading up to Y2K, research shows that Chinese people had already been doing this for years. For example, if toilet paper was discounted by $2.00, it is safe to assume that a Chinese person will buy at least more than two packages. It is also safe to assume that the shopping cart will be full and multiple trips will be made (to circumvent the purchase limits imposed by the retailer). The guiding philosophy behind this behaviour is that non-perishable items or items with a long shelf-life are optimal for bulk purchase. A similar effect could be achieved at Costco, but this would require spending money (on a membership) unnecessarily.

While this approach has produced great savings amongst the Chinese community at large, sadly, many Chinese children have been adversely affected as a result. In an effort to please their offspring, Chinese parents will often buy bulk portions of a food that their children have expressed an affinity for. In the short-term all parties benefit, but in the long-run, children are forced to finish every last food item until the bitter end (despite their ever-changing palettes). This is accomplished through incessant nagging and guilt trips (to be discussed in a later post).
Popular choices for bulk purchase include toilet paper, facial tissue, pop, soup, rice and oil. While each Chinese family may have different criteria for hoard-worthy items, the overall purchase strategies are the same.

It should be noted that saving money is not limited to domestic purchases. The same theory also applies when Chinese People are visiting friends and/or family abroad. This behaviour can be baffling to Chinese children as the items packed into suitcases are often pedestrian and the gain in savings is marginal.

For non-Chinese looking to take advantage of "best price" situations, the best strategy is to befriend as many sale-savvy Chinese people as possible. This stratagem is the most effective, as sale information is known to disseminate among Chinese people at an exponential rate. With a vast network of bargain hunters on alert at all times, you'll never overpay for toilet paper again.

#5 Fighting for the restaurant bill

While Chinese people proudly wear the badge of cheapness, they also take great pride in being recognized as a generous individual. This is just one of many ways to bring honour to themselves and their family.

Generosity from Chinese people can come in many forms. This ranges from gifts to friends and family, letting their friends win at Mahjong, or frantically calling friends about a great deal on fresh meats or produce. However, the most vocal and effective form is fighting for the restaurant bill.

This form of generosity is effective not only because it turns heads at the restaurant, but also because the 'losers' in the struggle must commend the 'winner' on his and/or her wiles and generosity. Given the hypothetical situation of a friend group consisting of three couples, if one couple pays once, there is increased pressure at the next meal for the two non-paying couples to pay for the bill first. It should be noted that one couple paying more than twice in a row is often viewed as disrespectful or what non-Chinese would call "a dick move". Should this over-genorsity continue, future requests for dinner meet-ups with the two other couples will be met with reluctance and disdain.

While many non-Chinese view paying the restaurant bill as something that is easy and straightforward, it is of great importance to Chinese people. Not only is it an exquisite art, but it is also a game requiring sharp wit, cunning and lighting reflexes. Were Sun Tzu still alive today, he would no doubt be very pleased to learn that his descendants have effectively applied his battlefield strategems to restaurant bill conflicts. While there are numerous strategies available to couples or individual payers, there are two that are tried, true and stand above the rest. They are the 'pretending to go to the bathroom' and classic 'box out' maneuver.

1. Pretending to go to the bathroom

This maneuver is exactly as it sounds. The payer will excuse themselves from the table, citing their need to use the facilities and will meet no resistance as typically, no one suspects a plan is afoot. If the maneuver is pulled off successfully, discovery of payment will only occur when someone other than the payer asks for the bill. However, if the restaurant staff are slow to process the transaction, people at the table will wonder aloud why the payer has been gone to the bathroom for an inordinate amount of time. This will raise alarms among the other diners at the table and will often lead to a string of questioning and a smug confession. If a couple is pulling this maneuver, the payer's accomplice can cite stomach pains or any other number of physical ailments to deflect suspicion. As it is often the male of the couple that is tasked with paying, one should also keep a watchful eye on the female as she is fully capable of paying as well.

2. Box out

Like their basketball idol Yao Ming, many Chinese people are familiar with the box out maneuver. In the case of a single payer, he/she is at a disadvantage because they only have one arm free (other arm is clutching bill) to fend off rivals. As a second step to this strategy, if the single payer meets excessive resistance, they will retreat to the safety of the front cash to pay. In a couple situation, the most common play is to have the female box out rivals on one side while the male deflects with one arm and uses the other arm to bury the bill deep in his lap where no one can reach it. Only after their rivals have taken their seats will the bill once again emerge. The only caveat to this strategy is the requirement of lighting fast reflexes. This can involve snatching the bill directly from the waiter's hand or right before it hits the table.

It is important to note that in these situations, parents may sometimes try to involve their children in these tactics, but the reliability rate is typically low. Fighting for the restaurant bill will typically be met with responses from the children such as "They do this every time!" or "I don't even know why they do this" and the ever-popular re-enactment of a restaurant bill fight.

For non-Chinese people, this knowledge is invaluable and can be used to receive numerous free meals. The key is providing a convincing performance that you really wanted to pay. For added effect, subtly mention after the fact-while pouting-that you really wanted to pay. Bonus points for staring wistfully at your wallet. Not only will you easily gain free meals from here on out, but you will have also boosted the Chinese person's self esteem. This is because they have now shown how generous they are and firmly believe that they have soundly outwitted their opponent. You win every time.

#4 Chinese New Year

Also known as "Spring Festival", Chinese New Year (CNY) is the one time in the year where Chinese people give out money, eat special food, and adorn their houses with red and gold decorations.

For non-Chinese observers, this celebration can be compared to Christmas in many ways. Like Christmas, there is gift giving, copious amounts of food and family visits.

While there isn't a gift exchange involving boxes of material items, there is an exchange of something of far greater importance to Chinese people...cash (to be discussed in a later post). Small red envelopes are filled with various denominations of cash, depending on how much you like/love the receiving individual, and whether they deserve it or not. Getting money from rich grandma? Lucky! Getting money from a distant relative that you only see once a year? Not so much. It should be also noted that Chinese children will routinely tally up and compare their cash intake. The two most popular categories are 'highest total gross' and 'single highest take'. This is to prepare them for their future careers in finance and/or accounting.

Like gifts, food is an integral part of the CNY celebrations. Similar in concept to a Christmas dinner, a CNY dinner consists of a myriad of foods that are eaten not for their rich flavours, but more for the supposed luck, prosperity and longevity (herein known as the CNY trifecta) they will bring. As Chinese people are highly susceptible to superstition, certain foods are eaten to increase the chances of good health and bountiful harvests of cash in the new year. Some items include steamed fish, cakes made of taro and turnip, dumplings and noodles. Whether consumption of these foods truly brings the desired or purported effects remains to be seen. Research thus far has been unable to provide a clear correlation.

Family visits, no matter the ethnicity can always be a risky affair. However, Chinese family visits during New Years are typically a good time and grievances will rarely be aired, unlike non-Chinese Thanksgiving. This can be attributed to a strict adherence to the philosophies of non-confrontation and passive-agressiveness (to be discussed in a later post). During these visits, traditional four word expressions relating to the CNY trifecta are said in order to wish others a happy new year. For Chinese children, these expressions are memorized well in advance and are repeated ad nauseam during the festival's length. Success in this task will help them survive the gauntlet of relatives and allow them to claim their cash prizes.

For many non-Chinese, CNY is a non-event as the occasion often comes and goes without much fanfare. For non-Chinese looking to participate, there are two ways to participate.

1. Go to the local Chinese buffet/restaurant to check out the "special" CNY dishes

2. Find a Chinese person/friend and tell them "Gung Hei Fat Choy!" (traditional New Year wish for success and prosperity)

Option 2 is typically the preferred option as it requires no cost and the least amount of effort. Should you attempt this, It is highly recommended that the expression is spoken with the most horrendous mispronunciation possible. This provides an excellent opportunity for the Chinese person to correct your pronunciation and feel better about their own mastery of the Chinese language. If anything, they'll just be happy you tried.

#3 Keeping the house below 20°C

For Chinese people with access to centrally heated homes, the thermostat is guaranteed to never rise above 20°C. Some may attribute this to being environmentally friendly and applaud such behaviour. In reality, this activity has been ongoing for years before An Inconvenient Truth was released and brings to light a different motivation. The reason? Being cheap (to be discussed in a later post).

The pride obtained from being frugal for a Chinese person is immense. As a wise man once said, "You save 50 cents here, you save 50 cents there, you have one dollar!". It is with this mentality that the thermostat will maintain a steady 19°C or even dip to the inhumane low of 18°C. Even if the outdoor temperature heads towards negative double-digit numbers, Chinese people remain steadfast in keeping the thermostat sub 20°C

However, with any ideological struggle, there will always be critics and victims. In this case, they are one and the same. Much to the chagrin of Chinese children, there isn't much they can do to raise the temperature. There have been documented tales of extensive campaigns for temperature change or even heroic acts of changing the thermostat, but they have all ultimately failed.

In an attempt to placate their offspring, parents typically offer the following steps of ways to get/stay warm:

1. Put on a sweater
2. Put on a jacket/coat
3. Put on an extra pair of socks
4. Put on some slippers
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until the optimal body temperature is reached

It is completely possible to see a Chinese person wearing 2 sweaters and a jacket in their own home.

In addition to these steps, there is only one other option: the fireplace. While this is a plausible option in non-Chinese households, it is implausible in a Chinese home. This is because the fireplace in a Chinese home is strictly for decoration. The fire logs beside the fireplace? Decorative. The tools by the logs? Decorative. This is especially surprising as Chinese people have a tendency to be very traditional and like to "do it up old school" as their ancestors once did.

As a tip for non-Chinese braving the bitter cold of a Chinese home, complaining about the temperature is a great sign of disrespect and should be avoided at all costs. Instead, this should be viewed as an opportunity to gain favour with your hosts. Agreeing with the position of frugality over warmth will guarantee a future invitation back. To cement your friendship and indefinite future invitations, a request for Chinese tea is also highly recommended.

#2 Giving their children popular names from the 50's

While pertaining only to a small subset of the overall Chinese population, this phenomenon still warrants discussion. More specifically, this primarily affects Chinese adults born in Hong Kong in the 1950's who later had children in the late 70's and throughout the 1980's. This is not to be confused with the separate topics of naming your child after inanimate objects and using the phonetic pronunciation of their Chinese name as their English name (both to be discussed in later posts).

The time period in which they were born is particularly important because it sheds light on their level of exposure to western culture and the subsequent influence it had. The main sources of western entertainment often came from movies and musical acts from the 50's and 60's. As tweens and teenagers, Chinese people would come to idolize these celebrities and honour them in 25-30 years time by giving their children the same names.

By the late 70's and early 80's, children born of Chinese parents would be given names from two decades prior. For boys, cool names such as Terrence, Raymond, Lawrence, Philip, Kenneth and Patrick were all the rage. For girls, they were lucky enough to be given names such as Cynthia, Connie, Joyce, Janice, and Linda.

While Chinese parents felt good about their decisions, these Chinese children would come to wonder why they had such 'unique' names while their white counterparts would have more contemporary names like Ryan, Mike, Sarah and Jennifer.

For Chinese children in this situation, know that you are not alone and that many others share your plight. The best thing to do when you meet a fellow yellow with a name from the same decade, say, "Hey, that's a cool name!". You'll be best friends forever.

For non-Chinese, this knowledge can benefit you twofold. Firstly, you can make a new Chinese friend by appropriately shortening their name (e.g. Kenneth to Ken), as it shows you understand their pain. Secondly, should you find yourself in a social situation trying to determine a Chinese person's age (for pick-up/dating purposes or general reference), their name should be a good indicator. This is especially useful given that most (if not all) Chinese have a perpetually youthful appearance. This technique has been proven to work 8 out of 10 times (research ongoing).

Finally, there is a way for everyone to help stop this injustice for good. Know a Chinese couple that's going to have a child soon? Buy them a contemporary baby names book. If it's a mixed couple, don't worry, it's under control.

#1 Keeping on the original protective plastic wrap

While Chinese people have a long-standing reputation of being notoriously cheap (to be discussed in a later post), they often have no problem buying items of significant value such as furniture, electronics and designer handbags.

In order to understand this phenomenon more clearly, one must understand that these big ticket purchases are considered an investment and must be protected accordingly. This mentality can be used to explain why Chinese people often insist on the non-removal of the flimsy protective film affixed to their newly purchased item. In the case of small gadgets, most people would find a protective case to be adequate. However, Chinese people are quite willing to buy a case and still keep the plastic on for "extra protection". The most common examples include screens of handheld electronics (e.g. camera LCD screen, PSP screen, cell phone screen) and various furniture (e.g. table corners and edges, plastic on top of the glass part of a cabinet or table).

Unless provoked or shamed into removal, this plastic could very well remain on the item forever. Typically, there are only two situations where this plastic would be removed.

1. Natural adhesiveness wears off

In this situation, the plastic naturally will lose its adhesiveness and the Chinese person will be forced to remove it (begrudgingly).

2. Shame

The main cause of plastic removal. Only when shamed by peers (Chinese or non-Chinese) will this plastic be removed. The Chinese person in question will typically react by saying, "it's no big deal guys! Really!" and peel off the plastic. Outsiders must keep a watchful eye though, as it's possible the Chinese person will save the plastic and try to re-affix it later when they are alone.

When presented with situation #2, the best thing a non-Chinese person can do is pat the Chinese person on the back and reassure them that it was going to happen anyways and that they were being super lame.

On the bright side, at least anything you buy from a Chinese person will be in pristine condition.